Forgiveness

I apologize for taking so long in between posts.  With Houston's booming housing market keeping me busy at work and family responsibilities I've had little time left for blogging, but I still have a song in my heart and a story in my soul that I want to finish telling you about.

 

Before going to Care Net and doing the Bible study I had never specifically applied scripture to my abortion.  After doing the Bible study and really seeking God to heal me from the hurt of my abortion it was like God illuminated the scriptures and almost everything I read seemed to minister to me to bring healing for my abortion.  Jack Deere writes in his book "Surprised by the Voice of God, How God Speaks Today Through Prophecies, Dreams, and Visions," "When the Bible is illuminated by the Holy Spirit, its power is incredible.  Its light can dispel the darkness of the most convincing satanic deception."  I was deceived in many ways about my abortion and God lifted the veil and illuminated the truth of His Word-the holy scriptures. 

One day as I was meditating on everything that God was teaching me I felt him speak in my spirit the scripture, "I have loved you with an everlasting love."  I later looked it up and realized that it is found in Jeremiah 31:3. 

Jeremiah 31:3 (NIV)

 The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:

“I have loved you with an everlasting love;

    I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

It's an amazing thing when the God of the universe tells you he loves you!  I had been told God loves me by others, at times I believed it, it certainly was a head knowledge of mine, but its a whole other thing when you hear God speak it specifically to you and especially in a time of great need.  A time when I was seeking God WHOLE HEARTEDLY for healing.  A time that I needed His reassurance.  It broke me. It tore through any hardness in my hear and freed me to truly experience His love.  It's astounding to think about the Father's unconditional perfect love.  He loves me and not only does he love me, but it is an everlasting love.  A love that has no beginning and no end.  A love that's forever.  A love that doesn't change.  A love that's steadfast.  He truly has drawn me with unfailing kindness.  Thankfully, He keeps drawing me with His unfailing kindness.

 

I read more through the book of Jeremiah and just about the whole book ministered to me for my abortion.  Jeremiah's message to the people of Judah is one of repentance.  When I finally quit listening to all the lies I had told my self about abortion, I was finally able to truly repent.  I finally had a Godly sorrow for my abortion. 

God also showed me that I was holding unto unforgiveness towards my parents.  I am not sure if it was always there and I didn't recognize it or if the feelings came back.  I had forgiven them after I gave my life to Christ back in 2000.  Maybe it was the fact that I was finally dealing with all the emotions behind my abortion instead of suppressing them, that the feelings of unforgiveness resurfaced.  Perhaps by not dealing with those feelings, I was actually holding onto them.  Nevertheless, God was showing me that I was still holding onto anger, bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness towards my parents.  He was also showing me that it was time to let it go.  There was  part of me that wanted to hold onto it.  I was hurt.  I felt I had the right to resent them for my abortion.  Also, they had never asked for my forgiveness.  Then God brought me to Matthew 18:21-35.  It is the Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor.  It is a picture of how we throw ourselves at the mercy of a gracious God and His response is to forgive.  He has pity on us and cancels our BIG debts.  God's graciousness is then contrasted with the same person that was just forgiven turning to someone else and refusing to forgive, demanding that the debt be repaid.  He shows us how their sin against us is SMALL in comparison to the totality of all the sins God has forgiven us. Then in verse 32-33 Jesus says,

Matthew 18:32-33(NIV)

³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’

Right then, God was confronting me with my unforgiveness.  Convicting me of the darkness within my heart.  He was asking me, "now that you have been faced with the Truth of my Word, how will you respond?"   He showed me that I have been forgiven of all my sins by Him, so how could I withhold forgiveness from them?  With His help I was able to turn my unforgiveness over to Him and he helped me to finally forgive.  It was a liberating experience that required trust in Him.  I had been holding onto my unforgiveness not wanting to let it go, but it was actually enslaving me.    The more I focused on how they hurt me, the harder it became to see the good things they did as parents.  Because I was so focused on me and my hurt, it had become all that I could see.  Gratefully Jesus broke me free from my self centered thinking.  He helped me to have a Christ centered heart for my parents.
 

Special notes from my parents that I've collected through the years.  As I went back over them, I was moved to tears for how much they love me, support me and believe in me.  Thank you God for my parents! 

 

Ephesians 4:30-32 (NIV)

³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

 

Once I forgave them and released it to God, an awesome thing happened.  I received an apology from both of them. God is so good and so Faithful!  It was just a few weeks later that my mom came to me and asked for my forgiveness.  Then months later God opened up an opportunity for me to talk to my dad about the post abortive Bible study I had taken.  That was God for sure!  I would have never dreamed that we would have had that conversation.  At that time he asked me to forgive him and I told him I already had.  It was so beautiful and healing for me to receive their apologies.  I also asked them to forgive me for my pregnancy and abortion. That exchange helped to bring healing in our relationships and to restore what was broken so many years before.  It was an expression of God's love and faithfulness.  I truly believe that had I not been obedient to God to forgive them, I would not have received their apologies.  Forgiving them opened up the way for me to receive God's blessing. 

Luke 6:37-38 says,

³⁷ “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. ³⁸ Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

 

God wants to speak intimately to you if you will stop and listen.  If you are holding onto bitterness, resentment, or unforgiveness, God wants to draw you from that with His unfailing kindness. Honestly, I would be really messed up if it weren't for Jesus. He has brought me to such a place of healing, restoration and peace.

Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)

¹⁸ “Forget the former things;

    do not dwell on the past.

¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing!

    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

    and streams in the wasteland.

 

Hallelujah!!! Thank you Jesus! You are so good! Truly amazing!

More to come next week!  I hope! ;)

1. Jack Deere, Surprised by the Voice of God, How God Speaks Today Through Prophecies, Dreams, and Visions (Grand Rapids, Mich,: Zondervan, 1996), 99.