Psalm 34:5 - Those Who Look To Him Are RADIANT; Their Faces Are Never Covered With Shame

I know I painted a sweet picture of myself in the last blog entry and I really was a sweet kid from 0 to 11,  but from 12-19 I was a hellion. You name it, I probably did it; running away, total and complete disrespect and disobedience towards my parents, theft, vandalism, drugs, lots and lots of alcohol and the list goes on and on. I took my parents to hell and back. Let me put it this way, the constables in my neighborhood knew me by name and they knew where I lived. I was the kid you pray your kid never turns into.  While I am truly sorry for all the pain and heartache I caused my parents, I am not that person anymore.  Those who meet me now are somewhat shocked when I tell them about my past.

 

The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:17,  Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

 

Those who are in Christ are a new creation!  The old Nicole passed from darkness to light, from death to life, from bondage to set free, from shame and guilt to forgiven, from unrighteous to being clothed in His righteousness.  Oh, how blessed I am!  Thank you Jesus!

 

The stereotype that teenage pregnancy only happens to low income families who either don't care about their kids or they're working too hard to pay attention to their kids is just that, a stereotype.  I came from a middle class family, with two parents and we ate dinner together every night as a family.  Statistically, I should not have had a teenage pregnancy.

 

I want to preface this post by saying every parent makes mistakes. I'm a parent and I am no exception.  There have been times that I've had to apologize to my 5 yr. old daughter; like times that I have lost my cool and said things I later regretted or said things in a tone I regretted. With time only comes more opportunities to make mistakes. 

I also want to make it clear that my parents did many, many things right.  As a kid, I remember asking my dad if I could eat something that was in the pantry and he looked at me with this confused look on his face; like "why on earth would you ask me that?"  He told me that our pantry was just as much mine as it was his. He told me,that anything in our pantry was there for me to eat. I still get emotional now thinking about it.  I don't remember how old I was, but I was old enough for it to leave an impression on me. That met one of my highest needs and made me feel loved and like I was part of the family. It also helped me to feel secure in my parents ability to provide food for me. I know not everyone has that.  Throughout my childhood and even as a young adult my dad used to take my brother and me fishing.  He would always cast for me because I was his princess, of course!  I used to love those trips!  He would always put my line in the best possible spot where he was sure I would catch fish and then he would rant and rave about what a good fisher woman I was.  My dad used to tell me that, I was so tough, I ate nails for breakfast! It made me feel so bad. Bad in a awesome kind of way! Even though he was very disrespectful to my mother, he had a way of making me feel strong and powerful as a woman, and he always told me how beautiful I was. That's just a few of many things that he did right.

My dad and I on one of our fishing expeditions!

 

 As a teen I became engrossed with the boy who I gave my virginity too (one of the reasons why sex was designed exclusively for marriage).  I'm going to call him Fields because of  a dream I had much later in my life.  I believe it was a dream from the Lord.  In the dream his last name was changed to Fields.  I believe that his name was changed to Fields in my dream because he was the catalyst that opened up this field ministry for me.

Saying that Fields was a troubled teen is a HUGE understatement. He didn't have a stable home and he had a lot of anger.  His anger along with a lot of bad choices made him a frequent flyer to the penitentiary. At times he would be so sweet to me, and I would think things were going good and then I would hear rumors that he was cheating on me with other girls. Since I was looking for love from him this created a lot of heartache for me.  We were using what I'll call, unreliable birth control, for the sake of not sounding crude.  I'll spare you the unnecessary details.  We had a mishap, and I knew there was a possibility that I could get pregnant.  I waited and sure enough by Christmas Eve my period didn't come.  I was 14 years old.  I was in the eighth grade.  I remember taking the pregnancy test, seeing the little plus sign, and I started crying.  I was scared, but at the same time I was actually happy about it.  Not that I wanted to be a mother at my age, but I felt like, "well, there's nothing I can do about it now, so I might as well embrace it."  Fields was supportive too.

 

I decided it was best that I didn't tell my parents.  I was going to ride it out as looong as I possibly could.  I was terrified of their response, mostly my dad's.  As I said in an earlier post, he had a drinking problem and at times he would get violent.  I did however, confide in my brother.  I told him that he was going to be an uncle.  We both kind of celebrated about it.  That meant a lot to me.  About a month and a half later, I am at school and morning sickness hits me like a ton of bricks.  I was so sick it causes a bit of a scene.  My teacher sends me to the nurse, and the nurse calls my mom.  My mom comes and picks me up from school, we get home, and I guess she had a hunch because she comes right out and asks me if I am pregnant.  I just felt like, I couldn't lie.  I knew they were going to eventually find out so I might as well tell her now that I was being interrogated about it.  However, I was not prepared for what would come next.

 

After telling my mom, she decides to take me to my aunt's house because she says, "that my dad is too upset to see me."  The next thing I know, my mom and aunts work on me for about two days trying to convince me of every reason why I should have an abortion.  Before that point, I never thought I would ever get an abortion.  I thought that only bad people got abortions and so I stood my ground.  The next day comes, and my mom tells me that my dad said, "I could not come home if I kept the baby."  And just like that, my mind was changed.  I couldn't imagine raising this baby without the support of my parents.  I wouldn't be able to support myself, much less a baby, and I knew Fields was unstable.  Not only was I fearful about the financial hardship raising a baby on my own would be, but I also felt like I was being exiled from the family.  I was not ready to give them up either.  I hardened my heart towards my child and turned off all my feelings.  I later called Fields and told him of my plans to abort.  He tried to talk me out of it, and I told him my mind was made up and that I was doing what I felt I had to do. 

Truth be told, I never considered adoption.  I was too selfish for that.  I wanted to keep my baby and I felt like if I couldn't have her no one could.

 

Pretty quickly, my mom schedules me an appointment.  Its February 14, 1996.  Ironically the day of love, and I was doing the most unloving thing.  You would think that would have bothered me, but like I said, I turned off my feelings.  I was numb.  We drove down the scenic tree lined street to the medical center. I remember thinking how beautiful the oak trees were. We arrive at the building and go in.  They called me back to be seen, I went into an office and a lady asked me if I wanted to have an abortion.  I told her, "yes."  We went to what looked like an examination room and they did an ultrasound.  I chose not to look at it because I knew in my heart that if I did, I wouldn't have been able to go through with the abortion.  I would have run out of there.  After that they started to prep me and gave me an IV.  Thankfully they drugged me up pretty heavily.  I don't say that lightly.  The next thing I know, I'm in the recovery room and I'm coming in and out of consciousness.  My mom drives me home and then goes to work. 

 

I go up to my room, crawl in my bed, and go to sleep.  I so wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again.  I had turned off my feelings, but I couldn't ignore the pain in my being.  I didn't want to live anymore.  It hurt too badly. A little later, I get up to go to the bathroom.  I stopped to look at myself in the mirror, and I hated the person I saw.  I told my self that I was a "worthless piece of s***."  I felt like the scum of the earth.  Fields came over a little bit later and tried to console me.  I was thankful for that even though I wasn't really able to express it.  And then, life went on.

I held on to that hurt for years, but I pushed it down deep; so I didn't have to deal with it.  For some women who have had an abortion the day they had the abortion is the day that bothers them most.  For others it's what would have been their due date.  For me it was mother's day.    Mother's day would come every year, as it does, and I felt like I should be a mom, but I wasn't.  It just made me feel crummy.  I felt a lot of guilt too. 
 

My father never said a word about my pregnancy or abortion to me.  That hurt me.  Several years go by and as was the norm at the time, I was fighting with him.  I was being a terrible teen.  I don't remember what we were fighting about in the first place, but I start attacking him; telling him what a bad father he was.  He fired back, "Look at you; What kind of mother would kill her own baby?"  That stung.  It shook me to my very core.  What hurt the most wasn't that he implied I was a bad mom, it wasn't that he said I killed my own baby, what hurt the most was that was the first and only thing he said to me about the whole thing.  It also felt like a slap in the face because I made that choice because of him.

High school was tough for me.  My head wasn't there.  I felt like a misfit.  I would not have graduated high school if it wasn't for the help of my parents.  They bailed me out so to speak.  The rest of my teens were rocky too, until about 18.  There was a couple of reasons for that.  I finally cut off my toxic relationship with Fields.  He cheated on me for the last time, as far as I was concerned. I also started college.  College was a much needed new start for me.  For the first time, I really applied myself in school and it was paying off.  I got a partial scholarship my sophomore year and full scholarships my last two years.  I got involved in a bunch of activities on campus and I was meeting nice people and having a lot of fun.  I also started to rationalize my abortion.  I was trying to make sense of it in my mind.  Mostly, to make myself feel better and to convince myself that I had made the right choice.  I would tell myself that I would not have gone to college if I had kept the baby; and at that point that felt like the only good thing I had ever done in my life.  My university experience really helped to build my self-esteem.  However, as great as it was, it wasn't worth giving up my baby for.  It also did not make my choice to abort right in any way, shape or form. 

I also recognize now that my parents did what they thought was best for me.  They were trying to protect me.  As hard as that must have been for them, that did not make my abortion right either.

 

I am so glad my story doesn't end there.  If it did I would have no hope, but I do have hope.  I have hope in Jesus Christ!  Now I can look in the mirror and I don't see that girl I once hated.  I see the love of Jesus in me.  I am not worthless.  I am the daughter of the King, and I was bought at a price.  Paid for with the blood of Jesus.  Jesus gave his life for me, for my sins.  I am forgiven.  I am redeemed.  Because Jesus has forgiven me so much, I can forgive those that hurt me.  I am justified.  I love the saying about being justified!  Justified means: just as if you never did it. If you've had an abortion, I am here to tell you that you can have hope.  Jesus can take your brokenness, your guilt, your shame, your pain and give you hope, and peace, and healing, and restoration.  I urge you to turn to Him.  He is the only one that can truly heal your soul. 

 

Psalm 34:5 says, those who look to HIM are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. 

 

I felt anything but radiant in my abortion, and I felt smothered with shame.  But God!  Thank heaven that He did not leave me there!  He lovingly drew me to Him.  I turned my face towards Him for healing from my abortion and He has made me radiant in it.  Not because of anything I've done, but because I know what He's done for me and how far He's brought me. 

 

This has been a very difficult and humbling experience.  I am normally not such an open person.  I like to keep my private life, private.  I am sharing these intimate details of my life with you for the sake of Christ, that His name would be magnified.  I have made up in my mind that where He leads me, I will follow.  I say, "Yes, Lord. Whatever you require of me, I will do.  I will pursue you passionately no matter how difficult it may be."  My prayer is that His name would be glorified. 

 

I want to share this song with you that really ministers to me.  I hope it ministers to you too.

 

Next, I will share my salvation testimony.  How I came to know Christ and how he began to heal me from my painful past.  You wont want to miss it!