Finding My Father's Healing Comfort

I started the Bible study at Care Net for women who have had an abortion and it seemed to be going okay. Okay, in the sense that it was hard, but manageable.  The first few chapters seemed easy enough. Then the discussion moved onto God as our Father and how he comforts us.  That seemed easy also. Next, the discussion shifted to being about comfort we may have or have not received during the time of our abortion.  Suddenly, I started to panic.  Facing the feelings behind what felt like my parents abandonment of me in the most desperate time of my life, as a pregnant 14 year old, was more than I was ready to deal with at the time.  My fight or flight response kicked in and I wanted to hightail it out of there.  That had been a common response for me growing up both with my parents and with Fields.  When things got crazy, I took off.  I was having this tug of war in my mind. I wanted to get up and leave, but I also felt somewhat obligated to stay.  Should I excuse myself? Should I go ahead and bolt? Should I stay? I eventually told myself that even if I had to momentarily mentally check out, that I was going to stay and I did.  I am glad I pressed on.  When I got home, I asked the Lord for something, anything to help me and encourage me during that time.  He led me to Psalm 34. 

 

Psalm 34

¹ I will extol the Lord at all times;

    his praise will always be on my lips.

² I will glory in the Lord;

    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

³ Glorify the Lord with me;

    let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me;

    he delivered me from all my fears.

⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;

    their faces are never covered with shame.

⁶ This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;

    he saved him out of all his troubles.

⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,

    and he delivers them.

⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
⁹ Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
    for those who fear him lack nothing.
¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;
    I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
¹² Whoever of you loves life
    and desires to see many good days,
¹³ keep your tongue from evil
    and your lips from telling lies.
¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
    seek peace and pursue it.

¹⁵ The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
    and his ears are attentive to their cry;
¹⁶ but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
    to blot out their name from the earth.

¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

¹⁹ The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;
²⁰ he protects all his bones,
    not one of them will be broken.

²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;
    the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
²² The Lord will rescue his servants;
    no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

At the time that God gave me that scripture, it felt more like a promise.  I wasn't really feeling His relief yet.  In that moment, I didn't feel like He answered me, or delivered me, or like He saved me from all my troubles and fears.  It was really the first time that I had faced my past abortion besides asking for his forgiveness years prior.  I was digging up all these feelings that I had never dealt with and my heart was in anguish.  I found myself feeling a bit frustrated with the process, because I was feeling so bad.  I was confronting all those old feelings that I had pushed down for so long.  I just wanted somebody tell me what to do to make it right, so I could feel better as fast as possible.  However, the Bible study leaders just kept encouraging me to press into God.   Although it wasn't really what I wanted to hear at the time, because I wanted a quick fix, that was the best thing that they could've done for me. They caused me to take all of my grief, sorrows, and pain to God; and to depend on Him to heal me.  I wanted a magic formula, but He wanted to give me so much more.   God didn't just want to give me a bandage he wanted to put ointment on my wounds, to heal my wounds, to restore me, and to give me newness of heart. 

The next week was a real breakthrough for me.  I pressed into God even deeper and more tenaciously.  I read about David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel chapters 11 and 12.  I encourage you to read it, if you haven't read it before.  My summary of the story doesn't do it justice, but I will try nevertheless.  In the story David is King over Israel.  He commits adultery with Bathsheba, who is the wife of Uriah, one of the men in his army.  She gets pregnant with David's child and he tries to cover up his sin by trying to get Uriah to sleep with Bathsheba, his own wife, so that he will think the baby is his. When that doesn't work, David has him killed by putting him on the front lines of battle.  Uriah is killed in battle and David takes Bathsheba to be his wife and she bears his child.  God sends the prophet Nathan to David and he essentially calls him out on the whole debacle.   David's response is, "I have sinned against the Lord."  Nathan's reply is, "The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die.  But because by doing this you have made enemies of the Lord show utter contempt, the son born to you will die."  In short, Nathan was saying your forgiven, but you will still have to deal with the consequences of your sin.  David fasts and prays hoping the child won't die, but he eventually does.  They grieve the loss of that son and then Bathsheba eventually gives birth to another son.

That day as I read David's story, I could identify with him.  The main thing I felt God speak to me was that I needed to take accountability for my actions.  David's response was, "I have sinned against the Lord."  He didn't try to explain himself or blame anyone.  When he was confronted by the prophet Nathan he took responsibility.  I had sinned against the Lord.  My sin was fornication, rebellion to my parents and God, and my abortion.  I too was being confronted by Nathan.  How would I respond?  I took responsibility for my sins and God said he took them away, but I would still deal with the consequences of the loss of my aborted child.  My abortion is completely covered in the blood of Christ and I am completely forgiven, but that doesn't remove the loss I feel for my child.

Up to that point I kind of blamed my parents for my abortion.  It wasn't something I wanted.  It had become a crutch for me to put the blame on them to excuse myself.  I felt coerced into it by them, but ultimately it was my choice.  That crutch was what was preventing me from really receiving my healing.  That isn't to say that my parents have zero responsibility for my abortion, but I was the one that had sex and got pregnant in the first place.  I am so sorry that I put them in that position.  It grieves me that I put them through that.

A little while after receiving that correction from God, I received a phone call from the Bible study leader.  I think she was mainly concerned that I would not continue the Bible study.  They saw that I was having a hard time.  She asked me if she could share a scripture with me.  It was Isaiah 61.

Isaiah 61 (NIV)

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,

² to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins

    and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

    that have been devastated for generations.

⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;

    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

⁶ And you will be called priests of the Lord,

    you will be named ministers of our God.

You will feed on the wealth of nations,

    and in their riches you will boast.

⁷ Instead of your shame

    you will receive a double portion,

and instead of disgrace

    you will rejoice in your inheritance.

And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,

    and everlasting joy will be yours.

⁸ “For I, the Lord, love justice;

    I hate robbery and wrongdoing.

In my faithfulness I will reward my people

    and make an everlasting covenant with them.

⁹ Their descendants will be known among the nations

    and their offspring among the peoples.

All who see them will acknowledge

    that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

¹⁰ I delight greatly in the Lord;

    my soul rejoices in my God.

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation

    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,

    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up

    and a garden causes seeds to grow,

so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness

    and praise spring up before all nations.

 

As she proceeded to read Isaiah 61 to me, it felt like she was prophetically speaking it over me.  The words became truth to my life.  They were ministering to me and moving me.  I don't know if you've ever had that feeling come over you, but it felt like it was God speaking the scripture to me through her.  The words became alive.  This was further confirmation and promise of what God spoke to me in Psalm 34.  The promise that he would provide comfort for me and that he would allow a way for me to rejoice at my life's greatest hurt.  Not that I would rejoice about my abortion, but that I would rejoice in what God had done in me in spite of my abortion.  I know the pit that he pulled me out of.  I felt like a prisoner to those feelings of despair.  Like the last verse of Isaiah 61, "For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes a seed to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations."  His work in me would be a wellspring of life.  He would forever change the trauma of my abortion into something beautiful.  He would give me everlasting joy and clothe me with righteousness.  He would renew the long devastated ancient ruins in me. Jesus would bind up my brokenheart and set me free from the darkness I experienced from my abortion.  Jesus would comfort me and provide for my grief.  Jesus would crown me with beauty rather than shame and despair.  I would become an oak of righteousness for the display of HIS splendor.  He would name me a minister of the Lord.  He would take my tragedy and turn it to His good that I would minister to others in my same situation.  He would prepare me and clothe me as a beautiful bride for Him.  These were promises from God that he was getting ready to deliver on.

That day that the scriptures spoke to me through David's story and through Isaiah 61, I knelt before God and poured my heart out to him.  I talked to him about my abortion and the hurts of my abortion, and I asked him to heal me.  Through the power of the Holy Spirit, He helped me to identify my feelings and to pray them out.  He helped me to pray out my grief and sorrow, to pray out the pain deep inside my being.  While I was praying, I was weeping and crying out to God, but once I finished I felt His refreshing.  I felt his deliverance. I felt His peace.  I felt His comfort.  I felt His love.  My time with the Lord strengthened my love for Him and helped me to recognize His love for me in a greater way than I had seen before.  This helped start a pattern in me of turning to the Lord in all things.  He became the person I turned to when I needed to get things off my chest or talk things out.  In the past, I had been quick to both internalize it and suppress my feelings or to turn to my family or friends when I was feeling down.  Now, I was going to God, the GREATEST COUNSELOR and THE ONE who could truly help me.  Not that I didn't still talk about things with my family and friends, but I knew any advice they could offer me paled in comparison to what God was giving me himself.

Before that day, I felt feelings of loss and grief for my child, but I had never really allowed myself to experience them because I didn't feel like I had the right to feel that way.  I had done it to myself and my child. Taking responsibility for my abortion and turning to God opened up the way for me to grieve the loss of my child.  It was a turning point for me.  It was at that point that I was able to really begin to heal.  For the first time, I could truly grieve, truly heal, and truly forgive.   It was then that I began to feel the relief that God promised me in Psalm 34 and Isaiah 61.  I felt a new freedom.  There was still much healing to be done, but I was beginning to feel the truth of scripture for my abortion.  Before that day I had confessed my abortion to God, but I still felt guilty and ashamed.  I was not able to rejoice with any real sincerity about His grace offered to me for my abortion through Christ's death on the cross. After that day, I felt the weight of my abortion lifted.  I felt forgiven.  I recognize that as a Christian I am supposed to believe by faith that I am forgiven, even if I don't feel it.  Still, I feel so grateful that God opened my eyes to truly see His forgiveness.  God's forgiveness wasn't just something I read about in the Bible or could only apply to other sins; I could now apply it to my abortion very specifically.  Jesus had set me free!

Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32 (NIV)

Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin.  Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever.  So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:34-36 (NIV)

Next I will share more about my experience in the study and forgiveness.