What Now Lord?

What now Lord?  Now that I've taken this class, what do you want me to do with the information you've given me?  Those where a few of the questions I was asking God after I completed the Care Net Bible study.  I spent some time in prayer over it, and God made it clear to me that He was calling me to join the Care Net post abortion ministry team.  I was so deeply ministered to that I wanted to help other women the way that the leaders had helped me. 

Part of the process of becoming a leader for the Bible study is that you take the study again as a participant, but in a more observatory manner.  The second time I took the Bile study, I felt God showing me things that perhaps I was not ready or willing to deal with the first time through.  One of the main things that I felt God teaching me was the magnitude of how great my sin had been against Him.  In having an abortion, I had exalted myself to the place of God.  God alone is the maker of heaven and earth.  He put the stars in the sky and set the earth into motion.  He created man in His image and gave him woman to be his helpmeet.  He breathed the breath of life into the man's nostrils and gave him life.  Nicole was not the creator of heaven and earth.  Nicole had not breathed the breath of life into the man.  God did that, not me.  I did not have the right to take my daughters innocent life.  God made her, created her, formed her in my womb and I had no right to end her life.  I am not God.  He alone is God, the giver of life.  He helped me to see how offensive my abortion was to Him.  He showed me this with such love and grace, not in an angry punishing kind of way.  He did it in such a manner that I didn't feel condemned, but rather gained a new reverence for who He is. 

One of the passages of scripture that he led me to during that time is Deuteronomy 6:4-5

 

⁴ Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ⁵ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

 

I had always read right past verse 4, paying no attention to it, but now I felt God calling me to study it, dissect it, cogitate it.  When Moses writes "Hear, O Israel" he is in essence saying, "listen up, pay attention, this is important."  Then he writes, "The Lord our God"  He is expressing that the  Lord is our God.  He is my God.  He is personal. Next he writes, "the Lord is one." The Lord alone is God.  He is the only God.  There are no other gods.   He is head over all.  He is the owner and master of all creation.  Once we understand who God is then our natural response to the Lord should be one of reverence and adoration. 

Next we are commanded to love God with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our strength.  He wants us to love him whole heartedly with all our being.  To love him above all else.  He showed me that if we do that then everything else in our life will fall into its proper place.  If I were loving him with all my heart, soul, and strength then I would not have been in that position in the first place.  Its because I wasn't loving Him with all my heart, soul, and strength that I fell into temptation, leading to sin, and eventually death.  If I had loved him with an undivided devotion I would not have taken my baby's life.  Love for God would lead me to seek him and find him.  Love for God would lead me to make the right decisions.  Love for God would be what I needed to move forward in my life as I faced new challenges.  He has forgiven me of so much and all he wants in return is my love and devotion.  When we truly see how much God loves us it helps us to have a natural response to love Him in return. 

1 John 4:19(NIV)  We love because he first loved us.

 

I completed the study a second time and then became a co-leader and eventually a leader.  Before I led the study, I felt the Lord prompting me to release my baby to Him.  It's a hard thing to describe because obviously I don't have my baby here with me.  She is already in God's care.  But I guess there was a part of my heart that was holding onto her.  God showed me through a dream that I needed to release her to Him.  It wasn't something that I realized that I needed to do until I had the dream.  When I awoke the next day after having the dream, I prayed for God to show me what the dream meant and what I was to do with the dream. It became very evident to me that I needed to release her to Him.  So I was obedient and kind of went through the motions of speaking out to God that I release her to Him.  I wasn't really expecting much to come of it, but it did.  Suddenly, I was overcome by emotion and began to weep.  In that moment I knew that's what I needed to do even though I had not previously recognized it myself.  There was so much power in that.  I felt the Holy Spirit working in my heart preparing me for His glory and service. 

I've found that each time I participate in the Bible study God shows me something new.  I am so glad that the Holy Spirit is continually conforming me more and more to the image of Christ.  I am also so grateful to be able to walk other women through the Bible study.  It is truly a privilege to share Gods healing power with others.   

 

Next, I'll share the conclusion to my, How I Got Here- My Night With The Lord, post.