Becoming a Mommy

After sometime of dating Nicco, we began to get more serious. We began discussions about marriage, and I realized that my abortion was something that I needed to tell him about.  I decided that I needed to tell him everything about my past.  It only seemed right, that if we were planning to spend the rest of our lives together, he needed to know about my past.  I felt like I owed it to him.  He needed to know my hurts, my mistakes, my sins, things that I had done or happened to me, things that were part of my make up.  Obviously, I am so much more than my mistakes or hurts, but those things impacted me greatly.  They helped shape who I had become.  It was going to be difficult and uncomfortable to tell him, and believe me, there was a part of me that didn't want to tell him, but ultimately I knew that he had to know.  Protecting our relationship and future marriage from the devil was my driving motivation.  I didn't want to give the devil a foothold in our relationship or in our future marriage. 

1 Peter 5:8 says, Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 

Oh, heck no! I was not about to let the devil devour me or my marriage.  I felt that if I had kept it a secret I would have been fresh meat for the devil.  That if I held onto that secret it would be a way for the enemy to attack me and us.  So one night, I come completely clean.  I tell him everything and to my surprise, it wasn't so bad.  He was so graceful to me.  I could tell that to him it didn't change the way he felt about me, and he verbally confirmed that to me.  That was such a relief to me.  It wasn't like he said one thing and acted another way.  He truly was not judgmental about it, and it didn't change his perception of me.  I loved that.  That he accepted me for who I was.  God honored my truthfulness and honesty towards Nicco.  I am so thankful for that.  God used that to make Nicco's heart tender towards me.  It may be why, he has always been so supportive of me doing post abortion ministry.  He has always encouraged me to do it, even before I was ready to.  He saw God's potential in me using my story to help other women, even before I could see it.

We eventually get engaged on my 21st birthday.    At this time we are still volunteering as youth leaders in the church youth group and he proposes to me at church during the youth service.  All I remember was, my dear friend and the youth pastor's wife, went to the stage and wished me a happy birthday.  She told me she was thankful for me and my service to the youth ministry.  The youth group sang happy birthday to me, and then she asked me to come forward so they could present a gift from the youth group to me.  I opened the gift, and it was a diamond ring.  I was so confused.  I didn't know what was going on.  The next thing I know, Nicco comes forward and gets on one knee and delivers the most beautiful proposal I have ever heard.  I said, "yes" of course.  That was a no brainer!  He is my best friend and soul mate.  We complete each other and God has given us a great purpose together for His kingdom.  We got married almost two years later.  It was the best day of my life.  Like a fairytale come true.

Our Wedding Day

Almost 2 years after we get married I had a dream about my baby.

This was my dream:
Fields shows up at our house after not seeing him for many years.  He is with his wife and 2 year old baby.  Nicco and I invite them in and as we are visiting, he tells me that the baby is mine (the one I had aborted).  It was a little girl and it confirmed what I had always thought.  They told me that she was having problems because she didn't understand why her mother didn't want her.  I was overjoyed that despite my mistakes, God had somehow miraculously intervened and my baby had really lived.  I played with her, tickled her feet, and kissed her face.  I was so happy that she was alive and that I had a second chance to know her and be her mom.  This is the dream where Fields name was changed, that I mentioned in an earlier post.  In my dream, I didn't understand why his name was changed.  Nicco and Fields discussed it in the dream and thought that it had something to do with the miracle that God had worked.  That is the end of the dream.

The dream made me feel a great deal of grief and sorrow for the loss of my child.  I believe and have hope that I will meet her again one day in heaven.  She is alive and she is with her Heavenly Father.  Some day I will be able to know her and kiss her face.

1 Corinthians 13:12 says, For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Through Christ's death, burial and resurrection, believers have assurance of eternal life with God. 

1 Corinthians 15:19-20 says, If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.  But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.

1 Corinthians 15:42-44 says, So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.  If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body.

Nicco and I didn't want to rush into having kids.  We definitely wanted children, but we wanted to travel and have time with each other before we added kids to the mix.  About three years into our marriage, we take a trip to Alaska and we both decide it's time.  We wanted to have a baby.  It didn't happen right away, but it didn't take long either.  We were so excited to be expecting a baby.  I remember going to the doctor and hearing my daughter's heart beat for the first time.  The nurse puts the little monitor on my lower abdomen and I hear bom, bom, bom ,bom, bom, bom, bom.  I remember feeling a flood of emotions.  My first emotion was relief.  I was relieved to hear life in my womb.  My next emotion was joy.  Joy to hear the life in my womb.  And then, I felt guilt.  Guilt at the life that had been snuffed out. 

Before we knew it, my daughter was born.  This was the second greatest day of my life.  I was finally a mommy.  I delivered her naturally without an epidural or any pain meds.  After I pushed her out, the doctor immediately placed her on my chest.  I was overcome with joy and love.  My parents are from Cuba and all my life I have worked hard to learn Spanish, but it has never flowed very naturally for me.  For some reason that day, it did.  Right after I delivered her, I started speaking in Spanish like if it was my first language.  It just flowed out of me so naturally in that moment.  I held my baby in my arms and said, "...... Mira mi bella muneca!" (Look at my beautiful doll!).  My heart loved her the minute I became pregnant with her, but when I held her in my arms and gazed upon her beauty my feelings of love instantly deepened.  I cant remember what else I said before that, but I'm sure the nurses were totally confused.

Mi Muneca (My Doll)

  

Mother's day that year was monumental for me.  I had finally become what I felt I should have been a long time ago, a mom.

To be continued.............................................................................